Parenthood, Facebook and the Scary Monster

Last Christmas, my ex-husband bought our 10 year old daughter her own laptop. She took to it easily and I was not surprised. After all, I'm a degreed techie from way back who personally trained my baby girl on a laptop at little over 9 months of age. I knew it was the wave of the future.

In my home, I monitor what websites she frequents... and it has been only recently that I allowed her internet access. I put an immediate halt on "chatting" with strangers via an online gaming site. Apparently, her friends do it all the time.

Last week for her birthday, her father bought her an iPod Touch. Again, more rules and screen time limits have to be enforced in my home.

Look, I may be a techie from way back but first and foremost, I'm a mom.

My job is to protect my children. I don’t think of technology as a big, scary monster that I don’t understand. Perhaps because I'm in a technical field, I'd like to believe I know exactly what I'm doing.

Last week, however, I got a better idea of the fight I'm up against.

It began with the recent announcements from Facebook on their new timeline profiles and media sharing. I'm all about exciting new changes and cutting edge announcements. I didn't choose a technology field because it's boring.

Many people are concerned about privacy when it comes to these new changes on Facebook. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Many OLDER people are concerned. The younger generation, of which my children will be included once I let go of my death grip, share most everything on Facebook. Nothing is private anymore.

Also last week, I attended a local social media event featuring 6 case studies of marketing agencies using Facebook, Twitter and the like to increase digital impressions and generate more revenue for each client they represented. Funny thing about technology and marketing, just when you think you might know everything, you find that someone has "out thought" you. I left feeling inspired and completely overwhelmed.

I understand that the world of technology is changing and that means the way we interact is changing. I'm fortunate enough to be in the middle of the generations. My parents don't use social media and have only recently begun texting. My children were born to text, Facebook and share every moment of their day for everyone to see. I'm a Gen-X-er, bridging the gap between both of them.

I understand it but the question remains:

How do I continue to protect my children from a big, scary monster whose hand I'm practically holding?

How do I allow them to be the up and coming generation and still provide common sense limits?

Or is there such a thing anymore?

Your thoughts?

The "If Only" Trap

Many times I've found myself thinking or saying, "If only (insert something), then I'd be happy."

I've learned over the course of life experiences and much spiritual study to at least have an awareness of this. I'm also aware when I hear others say it as well. We all do it. We all fall into the "if only" trap.

Lately, I've been leaning more towards a little game my daughter likes to play. It's called, "What if".

What if... everything is exactly as it's meant to be in this moment in time?

What if...things could change tomorrow and be exactly or BETTER than what you believe it could be?

What if... you stop, look around and realize, things are really quite good?

What if... you're really happy right now?

There's something about surrendering to the "what is" that makes the "what if's" so much better than the "if only's".

Don't you think?

Be your own best friend

You know how fun it is and how motivated you feel when you go to the gym with your best friend? You're pushing each other to try harder. You're encouraging each other. You're aware of when your friend is tired, needs water, needs a short break and you allow them that.

Have you ever considered treating your body the same way?

This thought occurred to me when a friend explained how her body was sore from a workout. She'd noticed a particular area that is weak and thus spent much of her workout focused on that one muscle group. She pushed that area so hard because she was disappointed in its weakness. Consequently, she was in pain in that one area of her body the next day.

I also realized my own body awareness during my most recent endurance athletic event. I knew when it was tired and I rested. I also knew it could take just a little bit more. I thanked it, honored it and sent love to my legs for their strength, my heart for its endurance, my lungs for fresh oxygen.

Maybe it's something I learned in yoga. All I know is that since I've treated my body as my best friend, it, in return, has thanked me for it in all manner of ways.

"If the mind, that rules the body, ever so far forgets itself as to trample on its slave, the slave is never generous enough to forgive the injury, but will rise and smite the oppressor."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Wouldn't you agree?

Which thoughts are you keeping?

I once had a garden filled with flowers
that grew only on dark thoughts
but they need constant attention & one day I
decided I had better things to do.

~ Brian Andreas Story People

I've been a fan of Brian Andreas since I first discovered his work many many years ago. His quirky art even hangs in my home.

This particular video made from one of his poems reminded me of a favorite Cherokee lesson:

The Legend of the Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

These reminders help me along my journey and, as I wrote recently, definitely helped with my triathlon.

If today, something is disturbing your peace, even just the slightest irritation, ask yourself... "which garden am I tending?" .... "which wolf am I feeding?"

After all, change happens at the speed of thought.

Don't you agree?

Respecting my "No"

"When you respect your own 'no', others will too."

In all the books I've read on co-dependence, this simple statement stands out to me. The truth of it occurred to me a few days ago.

My daughters asked if they could do something and I preferred that they didn't. But instead of saying, "No", I said, "I'd prefer you didn't do that."

Well, to a child, "I'd prefer" means, "I really don't want you to but if you did do it, there wouldn't be any sort of consequence for it." You can guess what happened next....

I've also found myself explaining to adults why I'd prefer one thing or another, rather than just saying a simple, "No that will not work for me." and then not explaining further. There's something about explaining that sounds very close to waffling.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely.

Do you put down firm boundaries or do you find yourself explaining your reasons behind them?

Do we think explaining will make us a little less strict or something?

Fertile Ground

In my inbox this morning was this inspiring bit from Seth Godin on how to get out of a rut:

• Find things that others have accepted as the status quo and make them significantly, noticably and remarkably better.

• Find things that you're attached to that are slowing you down, realize that they are broken beyond repair and eliminate them. Toss them away and refuse to use them any longer.

When a not-so-good software tool or a habit or an agency or a policy has too much inertia to be fixed, when it's unbetterable, you're better off without it. Eliminating it will create a void, fertile territory for something much better to arrive.
~ Seth Godin

First of all I love the word, "unbetterable". There's so much in that one word, isn't there?

Secondly, the message gave me pause... as I've learned that when I honor myself, things that no longer serve me fall away on their own. And things that match me come easily.

What are your thoughts?

Is there something in your life that is unbetterable, slowing you down or holding you back?

Intentional judgment

"We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions."
~ Ian Percy

This goes back to perception and how mine will never be like yours. You can never feel what I'm feeling because my experience, genetics and environment isn't the same as yours. Even in the same family or two people witnessing the same event, this is still true.

It's amazing we get along at all... our experiences and perceptions are so vastly different.

We do our best to relate to each other. We use words like, "I understand" when we really mean, "I only know what I think I would feel if I were in your situation but I'm not in your situation and, quite frankly, it scares me to death and therefore, I'm going to project my fear on what I think you're going through and how I might react to it and hope that it is as close as possible to what you're feeling" or "I know what I felt when it appeared that my situation was just like yours but I've moved on since then and have a different point of view than you do." Or various other projections...

Even when we're struggling in relationship with someone or with an encounter, we forget that their thoughts, experiences, feelings and perceptions are different. We don't stop to think that they may have just found out horrible news and therefore, that's why they cut us off in traffic. We don't consider that our assumptions of their intentions may not be their intentions after all.

The point of it all is... we only see OUR point. Even when we try to see others'. Still stand up for your point, yes. But consider that others may not agree and allow them that.

Maybe the best stance, sometimes, is as simple as agreeing to disagree.

Don't you think?

What does this quote mean to you?

Cherish the miracle

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them."
~ Richard L. Evans

The above quote felt perfect to me tonight because of the many times I notice I actually am cherishing my children. Life is busy but it's almost as if they have some sort of magic that makes time stand still...

....like earlier today when I picked them up from Vacation Bible School. I love to watch them sing, at the top of their still developing lungs, about how God is awesome. I can barely breathe to see them project this joy with such innocence, fervor and glee. I have to literally swallow hard and bite my lips to stop from grabbing them up, holding them close and crying tears of blessed bliss. They make me feel like my heart is no longer contained within my body.

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."
~ Pablo Casals

....or tonight, when we joined a friend for a rock wall climb. My youngest had frozen with fear on the way down the wall but I let her fight through it. I allowed her to feel the fear and gave her a moment to move past it. She did... and then, after she reached the bottom, she took a deep breath, put on a face of pure determination, and tackled that wall again.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

My children stop me in my busy single mom tracks often. I know that these moments with them are precious and they, truly are, my miracles.

"Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven."
~ Henry Ward Beecher

Amen.

Divorce actually doesn't kill you

Last night while working on laundry (glamorous, I know), I found Under the Tuscan Sun on TV. I hadn't seen this movie in years so I kept watching... even after the laundry was finished.

I was amazed at how I could relate to the main character post divorce. From the ever present feelings of sadness to the complete resignation into a soon-to-be-doomed-first-relationship-after-divorce. I also related to that feeling of, "Wow, I got what I wished for" - her realization at the end of the film.

"No matter what happens, keep your childish innocence"...

Isn't it funny how serious we become after divorce doesn't actually kill you? When do we get to play again?

Are there any movies you relate to?

What do you do to keep your childish innocence?

Space

Space is really nothing.

Until you ask for it...

Then it becomes a REALLY BIG SOMETHING.

Your thoughts?