In my inbox this morning was this inspiring bit from Seth Godin on how to get out of a rut:
Find things that others have accepted as the status quo and make them significantly, noticably and remarkably better.
Find things that you're attached to that are slowing you down, realize that they are broken beyond repair and eliminate them. Toss them away and refuse to use them any longer.
When a not-so-good software tool or a habit or an agency or a policy has too much inertia to be fixed, when it's unbetterable, you're better off without it. Eliminating it will create a void, fertile territory for something much better to arrive.
~ Seth Godin
First of all I love the word, "unbetterable". There's so much in that one word, isn't there?
Secondly, the message gave me pause... as I've learned that when I honor myself, things that no longer serve me fall away on their own. And things that match me come easily.
What are your thoughts?
Is there something in your life that is unbetterable, slowing you down or holding you back?
As a mother, I not only feel responsible for the care and feeding of my children's bodies, I also feel responsible for sending them on a path of faith.
Faith has felt natural to me since as long as I remember. Yes, faith was natural. Religion, however, was something I've struggled with, again, as long as I can remember. The poor priest that sat across the desk from me at age 12 is probably still praying for my soul...
My children and I don't attend a particular church. I have my own spiritual study - a path I have traveled meticulously since splitting from their father. I had to. I felt as if my very being had been torn from me and faith... well... that was all that I had left. I reached a turning point last fall where I decided it was time to nurture their paths.
Much to the dismay of their Catholic grandparents, I did not baptize nor raise my children in the Catholic church. Instead, I've exposed them to all manner of beliefs and the wondrous stories from different religions. They believe in God. They pray to God. They know some people believe in Jesus and others believe in Buddha and still others don't believe at all. They understand that certain people believe their theism is the ONE and only. They comprehend the nature of spirit, heaven and hell.... as best as can be expected in their young, elementary minds.
And they know, when things don't feel quite right, that they can always be still, breathe deeply and feel the loving embrace of faith to pull them through.
After attending Vacation Bible School last week, my older daughter asked if we could attend service at the hosting church. She also mentioned wanting to be baptized.
SHE has decided for herself.
I hope that means that I've allowed them to find their own way. I am not one to preach that MY path is the only path... for mine has been varied and difficult at times. I also believe, however, that mine has allowed me to point them on their way, with hopefully enough faith to watch them stumble, as I did.
With faith, I also know they'll get back up and be just fine.
"We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions."
~ Ian Percy
This goes back to perception and how mine will never be like yours. You can never feel what I'm feeling because my experience, genetics and environment isn't the same as yours. Even in the same family or two people witnessing the same event, this is still true.
It's amazing we get along at all... our experiences and perceptions are so vastly different.
We do our best to relate to each other. We use words like, "I understand" when we really mean, "I only know what I think I would feel if I were in your situation but I'm not in your situation and, quite frankly, it scares me to death and therefore, I'm going to project my fear on what I think you're going through and how I might react to it and hope that it is as close as possible to what you're feeling" or "I know what I felt when it appeared that my situation was just like yours but I've moved on since then and have a different point of view than you do." Or various other projections...
Even when we're struggling in relationship with someone or with an encounter, we forget that their thoughts, experiences, feelings and perceptions are different. We don't stop to think that they may have just found out horrible news and therefore, that's why they cut us off in traffic. We don't consider that our assumptions of their intentions may not be their intentions after all.
The point of it all is... we only see OUR point. Even when we try to see others'. Still stand up for your point, yes. But consider that others may not agree and allow them that.
Maybe the best stance, sometimes, is as simple as agreeing to disagree.
"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them."
~ Richard L. Evans
The above quote felt perfect to me tonight because of the many times I notice I actually am cherishing my children. Life is busy but it's almost as if they have some sort of magic that makes time stand still...
....like earlier today when I picked them up from Vacation Bible School. I love to watch them sing, at the top of their still developing lungs, about how God is awesome. I can barely breathe to see them project this joy with such innocence, fervor and glee. I have to literally swallow hard and bite my lips to stop from grabbing them up, holding them close and crying tears of blessed bliss. They make me feel like my heart is no longer contained within my body.
"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."
~ Pablo Casals
....or tonight, when we joined a friend for a rock wall climb. My youngest had frozen with fear on the way down the wall but I let her fight through it. I allowed her to feel the fear and gave her a moment to move past it. She did... and then, after she reached the bottom, she took a deep breath, put on a face of pure determination, and tackled that wall again.
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."
My children stop me in my busy single mom tracks often. I know that these moments with them are precious and they, truly are, my miracles.
"Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven."
~ Henry Ward Beecher
"Although most of us were sincerely trying to work on ourselves, I noticed a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to try to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it. We may also use our notion of absolute truth to disparage or dismiss relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits."
~ John Welwood, Human Nature, Buddha Nature, Tricycle Magazine (an AMAZING article)
Guilty as charged. I think many, as we study spiritual paths in the hopes of finding peace or enlightenment, often push aside core beliefs or past pains instead of dealing with them. I believe there is something to be said for looking at your pain, your choices, your false perceptions and beliefs, and accepting them as they are before attempting to change them.
Just as with positive thinking, you cannot deny your negative thoughts or bury your head in the sand of dreams in order to manifest a better life. You must come to the core thought behind the life you currently have first! To me, accepting and loving where you are now is best way to a better life.
Or at least, that's the path I've chosen.
What are your beliefs about positive thinking and manifesting?
Do you find that forgiveness comes easier and strong feelings pass quicker when you allow yourself to feel however you choose to feel, without judgment?
Doesn't it seem like denying so called "bad" feelings or getting frustrated at yourself for feeling them only makes them last longer?
"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."
~ Buddha
Jim is the father of two young beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
Jim rocked being a single dad with a rare quality that any man would be blessed to have. He was scared, as we all are, but took it on like a champ.
Jim remains one of the best storytellers I've ever encountered in my life (as evidenced in this video). His fascination with people, history, astronomy and art made for endless interesting conversation. He was also a wonderful, caring, attentive listener.
Jim's laugh is still one of the those things that can always bring a huge grin to my face.
Jim.... passed away last year, far too young, far too quickly, from cancer.
As I spoke with my friend this afternoon, she told me of the next line of treatments she must endure. Because there is a trace of cancer cells in her lymph nodes, she must undergo yet another surgery to remove the lymph nodes under her arms. Any surgery meant to rebuild her physical body must be postponed until after more surgery and now, chemotherapy. She will lose her hair and has already stated that she will not wear a wig.
"I will rock that bald head," she told me.
Her husband and children are remaining strong as her emotions fly all over the place. Her father can't speak to her without crying so he shows up, often unannounced, with flowers, wishes of love and then leaves quickly. His helplessness paralyzes him. Her mother is driving her to appointments, always with a brave face, but breaks down easily when not in sight of her daughter.
"I'll be fine. I've got this. It's going to be a tough year but I'm strong. I can handle it. I'm not scared."
I remember Jim... calling me from miles away in California in tears. It hurt those closest to him to see him weak or when he felt like giving up. Me? I demanded it from him. I fully expected to hear his pain, anger and frustration. He would try to play it off, laughing that glorious laugh. But I would quietly listen as he expressed his utter loneliness at being a single parent trying to date... with cancer.... not knowing if he was living or dying.
We all feel too many emotions to try to limit ourselves to a few during the most trying physical, emotional, mental and spiritual battles any of us will ever face. We should all be allowed our feelings - no matter the battle.
"Listen," I told my girlfriend this evening, "I hear you tell me you're strong and I believe you. I believe that you feel like you can handle this. I don't doubt it for a moment. But I also know that you'll have some moments when you're not so strong. You'll have times when you just want to be mad at the world. If I can do anything for you, please let me be the one you'll call when everyone else expects you to be strong. I don't expect that. I only expect you to be you."
My heart hurts at the thought of witnessing yet another loss.... so I won't think that way. That serves no one. Instead I will give gratitude to my friend Jim, for teaching me that even the strongest and bravest among us need to be heard.
My latest post on my co-authored triathlon training blog...
Today, I did a triathlon.
This morning I did a 30 minute interval workout on the bike (inside on the trainer). Then I went out for a run. This evening after work, I went to the gym to meet a swim coach and swam for 45 minutes.
About 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer according to the latest statistics. After losing a close friend last year to cancer and my father to cancer a few years before, I'm still licking my wounds from the "c" word. Sadly, as I age and my friends and family age, I will probably see even more instances of it.
"Women agonize... over cancer; we take as a personal threat the lump in every friend's breast."
~Martha Weinman Lear, Heartsounds
I could barely speak as my girlfriend calmly informed me of the steps she will take to heal. I recall quickly backing out of the phone call and crying for hours in fear for her.... and fear for myself.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
She had a double mastectomy 2 weeks ago. To be clear, she had both of her breasts removed AND an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck) - as the doctors have said they can use her belly tissue to help rebuild her breasts. As someone who's had 2 Caesarean deliveries and a tummy tuck, I can feel her physical pain and annoyance at the helplessness of a sore abdomen. However, I didn't know what to say when she told me that her once perfect breasts (she was lucky like that) are now nothing more than flabs of skin. She will be rebuilt... that's what the doctors have promised her. They also caught the cancer early enough that they're confident she'll more than likely be cancer-free for years to come. She's awaiting a few more tests to verify this diagnosis.
"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts - it's what you do with what you have left."
~ Hubert Humphrey
In the meanwhile, she feels betrayed in her own skin. She doesn't want to believe that her stitched up and (in her words) "deformed" body is who she is now. She is emotional - feeling everything from fear to anger to gratitude. She is highly aware of the sanctity of life. She is altogether positive of her path and the growth that will benefit her in the long run, despite the complete frustration of the current moments, the unknown and other obstacles in her not too distant future.
"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next."
~ Mignon McLaughlin
She is brave. She is inspiring me. She is doing what needs to be done while the rest of us stand by at the ready to hold her up if she needs it.
I will visit her tonight, to sit quietly and hold her hand. I hope that's enough for now.
"Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there."
~ Author Unknown
I attend a spiritual study group occasionally. I especially enjoy one in particular on Monday nights because it is hosted by a brilliant friend who continually challenges me to grow.
I attended last night's class and was disappointed to find he wasn't there. The other students know me as a fellow teacher of this particular area of study and thus, naturally, I began to lead the class in my friend's absence.
As the only single parent among my friends responsible for the care, feeding and lives of two small children, as a triathlete accountable for self-motivation while training alone, as the sole person skilled at my job, as a person always striving for more, thinking ahead, dreaming big, I am a leader in many areas of my life. It is what I do.
Why then do I sometimes want to blend into the crowd, hide among the students, wallflower myself into obscurity if only for a little while?
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader."
~ John Quincy Adams
Do you think leaders get tired of leading?
Do you sometimes find yourself fighting who you naturally are?
I've read enough self-help books to fill an entire psychological library. I've realized recently that it was divorce that started the whole self-help revolution in my life. Guess I must have thought something was wrong with me for failing at marriage.
That's normal, right?
Recently, I've discovered one of the most powerful concepts that I've ever read. One that was exemplified this weekend with my man in one beautiful statement:
"You can be mad at me if you want... but I still love you."
Funny that there would be such strength in allowing me to feel however I wanted to feel but loving me through it anyway.
Feelings are neither good or bad. They simply are. Some even say they're nothing more than emotional energy passing through. Feelings may prompt action but action should be taken with a clearer mind. It is my job to sit with the feeling or thought, stay detached from it, and allow it to pass through me.
Even better when someone else allows it too.
Do you find it difficult to feel a feeling, think a thought and simply observe it without action?
What is the most powerful statement that you've read or heard recently?
Last night while working on laundry (glamorous, I know), I found Under the Tuscan Sun on TV. I hadn't seen this movie in years so I kept watching... even after the laundry was finished.
I was amazed at how I could relate to the main character post divorce. From the ever present feelings of sadness to the complete resignation into a soon-to-be-doomed-first-relationship-after-divorce. I also related to that feeling of, "Wow, I got what I wished for" - her realization at the end of the film.
"No matter what happens, keep your childish innocence"...
Isn't it funny how serious we become after divorce doesn't actually kill you? When do we get to play again?
"Give yourself permission to fail. Because if you fail, it means you tried."
~ a speaker at a networking event I attended last night
"You have to feel some discomfort, sometimes, to really get to know who you are. Like an eaglet being pushed from a nest, if you but spread your wings, you may find wind under them, holding you up. You just may soar. But you have to be willing to tumble first."
~ from an online seminar I listened to over the weekend
Heard this song on the drive home:
Ya think the universe is trying to tell me something?
Are you holding back from leaping with complete faith that the net will appear?
Is there a message the universe is sending to you?
"In Tibetan there is an interesting word: ye tang che. The ye part means 'totally, completely,' and the rest of it means 'exhausted.' It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope that there is somewhere better to be, that there is someone better to be, we will never relax with where or who we are."
~ Pema Chodron
Latest post on co-written triathlon training blog:
Saturday, I went out with a friend to attempt my first long bike ride. She thought that our route was at least 20 miles and that I would do great since I’ve been training and/or spinning much more than her. However she’s done a triathlon and I haven’t!
