Do self-help books help?

Enjoy my guest post on the D.I.V.A.S. blog for Divorced Independent Very Able Survivors.

Apparently when I finalized my divorce, I determined something was wrong with me. I say that because in the time that my husband officially left our home that last time, as I sat on the couch with our 4 year old daughter while our 1 year old daughter slept peacefully in her room, the only books I have read are self-help books.

Read more on the D.I.V.A.S. blog... or continue below:

Granted, at the time, I don’t believe I consciously thought something was wrong with ME, I only knew something was terribly wrong. Why else would I feel such pangs of loneliness and despair? Why else would it seem as if my life partner gave up on “us”? Why else would it feel like every dream we ever dreamed and every memory that made us smile was all one big lie?

I learned very early in our separation that I had to stay focused on the now. Anytime I looked to the future that would never come to be, I became angry. When I looked at our past and all of those times I thought we were happy, I was terribly depressed. Those feelings very nearly consumed every withering ounce of me. I remember, at the time, feeling as if the entire world was torn from me. I had a vision, one night after a good long cry, of myself standing in a darkened space, naked, sunken, and balanced on one big toe upon a tiny stone.

When I reached down to see the rock beneath my foot, I realized that was all that was left of my faith.

But it was SOMETHING.

And upon that something, I knew I had to rebuild. I knew I had to seek for some manner of truth – about me, about marriage, about relationships, about life, about LOVE. I knew I had to stop living in the past or future and fully rely on what faith is built on… each present moment as it happens.

The question of “how?” is what lead me to those helpful books. They have helped! Looking back now, however, I realize that they’re all saying the same things. I’ve, in effect, been reading and telling myself the same things over and over again for the past 5 years:

• Just because I’m divorced, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. In fact, it was yet another human battle that I overcame, children and all. Also in fact, we’re all so much happier for it.

• It’s absolutely ok to feel whatever feelings I’m feeling. Can I learn to feel them without judging myself?

• We all come to relationships to learn about ourselves. Hiding from another relationship may feel comfortable but we actually need each other to grow. And yes, I said “need”.

• Where I am, in this exact moment, is precisely where I’m mean to be. Can I trust that?

• Remember this important question: Would you rather be right or happy?

Maybe I could actually stop reading all of those books if I remembered just those few simple things. But um… if you see me wandering around the self-help section of the bookstore, just smile and say, “hi”, mmkay?